can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
