theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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