Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize