i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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