Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
