why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
