This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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