exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
