I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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