you would pick up someone in the library
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
