Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
