chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
