well you can't waste a boner
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dicks are not precious.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
