I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
