You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
