My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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