I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
