i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
