Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
