I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize