i was born a porn star she said
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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