This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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