Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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