my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize