Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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