Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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