Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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