Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
