She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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