Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
As shirtless as possible
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
