I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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