Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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