He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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