it wasn't lemon gatorade
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
