You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I am midnight drunk by noon
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
