while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
