shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The uberlube is also flammable
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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