Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
