there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
