...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
