I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
