I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
