I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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