I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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