Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
