420 ftw
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
