The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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