Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
