Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
