Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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