I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
