Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
