just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize