i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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