The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
