i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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