i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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