I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize