Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
