I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
